There is a feeling of shame after being abused, but there is freedom in acknowledging the abuse while working through it. I hate to admit this, but over the years, I’ve been beaten with the Bible. What’s even harder to admit, is that as the abused, I became an abuser. I shudder to think of those that I might have inadvertently or purposely smacked misusing this Holy book.
I am grateful I am a daughter of a loving Father who forgives my wrongs and wipes away my tears. I’ve known him since I was a young, lonely girl of fifteen years old, known Him intimately and personally, yet somehow I got off the path of just being in relationship with Him onto a crooked path of trying to do everything right. Somehow over the years it morphed into my righteousness being in perfect doctrine rather than the PERFECT ONE Himself.
How could a treasured LOVE LETTER that at one time I devoured and brought me PEACE turn into a weapon of mass destruction to my spirit? How could the book that holds LIFE bring such utter confusion to my soul? How could that beautiful leather volume that once I looked at with affection become to me a symbol of a rod, like the little wooden dowel rods that I disciplined our children with?
When a child sees the rod, they feel fear. I remember that fear. Is that really what our Father wants us to feel when we see His word? Fear rather than comfort? No wonder I have felt such confusion.
The last few years have been a rough road as I have tried to return to my first LOVE. I keep trying to do it in my own strength and I can’t. The LIES are etched too deeply in my mind. I have lots of head knowledge but I need the Holy Spirit to transplant it deep within my heart and soul.
There are those who will say, “You are not as broken as you think” or those who will say, “You were never abused”, but I know better. I have the scars to prove it, but I don’t have to prove it to anyone. He knows the truth and I just want to be restored. My hope is in the knowledge that I belong to the HEALER, I’m a part of His family, I am a daughter of the King of Kings and I believe with my whole heart the words Jesus spoke in John 10:10.
The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy.
I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly.
JESUS didn’t come to make sure I had perfect doctrine, He came to bring life, life more abundantly. I really like the sound of that. No Bonnie, just Jesus. Him cradling me in His arms and doing the surgery removing all the tough scar tissue in my soul, making me tender again. It’s a lot of work….some of it’s been there over a decade, so it will take some time I suppose.
So I purpose to rest and let Him do surgery, probably multiple surgeries, I purpose to rejoice, even when its painful, that His Holy Spirit kept reminding me of His character. He kept bringing me back to that every time I was whacked with twisted verses proclaiming so-called perfect doctrine that started turning the precious Savior I intimately knew into a unfeeling robotic being.
I am starting to see more clearly, as grace and truth return to my heart. He meets me at every corner, speaking to me so kindly. a card from someone or a hug or a song or a verse. When the road becomes too hard to walk, He carries me. I am overwhelmed by His unfailing love. I am His princess and He will restore me.
So I write this to say, I’m sorry. I’m truly grieved that I used His object of love and beat any of you with it. I pray that it has or will become to each of you what it is supposed to be…the God of the Universe calling out to us, as every story whispers His name and encourages us toward Him.
I’m sorry Danny, Aaron, Marie, Andrew, Sarah, Timothy and Isadora for beating you with a Bible. What is awesome is that I don’t even have to ask you to forgive me. I know you already have. Love truly does “cover a multitude of sin” and I will rest in the love of my precious family and my God’s restorative work.