These are the words of Solomon in Ecclesiastes 1:15 – even in his great wisdom he can’t make sense of life.
Lots of things this past year haven’t made sense to me either. Life’s a corkscrew that can’t be straightened, yes I have found this to be true. The evil appear to prosper while the innocent die.
I shake my head in disbelief.
That’s what I found myself doing on Saturday, April 4th, shaking my head in disbelief. I was in a private hospital room with my family, watching my loved one’s hearts break as we knew our Eisley Hope would soon be leaving this earth. I stood there shaking my head and saying, “No, this can’t be happening, no, no, no.”
Just 24 hours earlier this precious granddaughter had been doing so incredibly well that even her very conservative doctor was optimistic.
A minus that won’t add up….
My past couple years have had lots of equations that didn’t calculate the way I thought they would. Losing Eisley Hope Klein Hutchinson was by far the hardest in a long list of hard.
It certainly didn’t add up.
Somehow in my mind this sweet precious baby girl was going to be the plus in my life that would somehow cancel out all the hard…and our family could start with a clean slate. Instead I watched as my daughter Sarah’s heart was crushed along with her husband’s and her sibling’s, my husband’s and mine.
Days later, I sat beside my dear husband at our granddaughter’s funeral and witnessed him weep like I had never seen. It was surreal. Our pastor said something really helpful to us as he opened the service. He told us that we don’t have to have our doctrine all correct to wade through this. I appreciated this as I was really confused and nothing made sense.
I believe in the God of the universe- so great and mighty and sovereign, yet a mystery… of a God who reaches down to mankind, on an intimate, personal level to be reunited with us. A God who in the scripture is described as a loving father, a devoted and faithful husband, a shepherd who watches over us. Not only do I believe, but I have experienced Him, time and time again.
I also believe in a world broken by sin and man’s free will. I cannot and will not blame God for the consequences of a world broken by sin. I know He could have intervened and changed Eisley’s course. Yet He chose not to. He chose to take Eisley Hope home with him.
That leaves empty hearts and empty arms ….and a lot of questions. Some of those questions can scare us.
I attended church alone the day after Eisley died. I asked our Pastor to pray for me. I told him, I am not here because I am strong. I am here because my faith is fragile and I need to hear the truth of the resurrection. I then discovered a peace that came from God holding me regardless of whether I was able in my weakness to hold onto Him.
Over the past few years I’ve discovered that there are two types of people. Some question me as they try to gain understanding. Then there are the others who question simply because they want to stand in judgement of me. They have no desire to understand. They don’t know the whole story and they don’t see the whole picture.
I realized this is true for me with my God. I need to come honestly before Him with my questions, but humbly acknowledging I don’t know the whole story and I don’t see the whole picture. I accept many of the mysteries of God; The Holy Trinity, The deity of Jesus, How election and free will are both true….the list goes on.
So I rest in what I do know- His faithfulness to me for many years, His comfort like none other, His still small voice, the blessed hope of heaven. I choose to accept, like Solomon, that this will never add up in my mind, I will never be able to understand the “why”.
So I will accept another mystery by faith. The mystery of baby Eisley being given twelve days of life. The mystery of our hearts being crushed. I will hold onto the hope that Jesus is a God who brings beauty out of ashes. I’ll search for that beauty with all of my strength, knowing that when my strength fails that He is always willing to carry me and show me in His own time.