Author Archives: admin

About admin

I discovered the forgiving grace of Jesus when I was 15 yrs. old. He has been faithful to me over 40 yrs and blessed me with a patient loving husband, six children and so far five grandchildren. I've made lots of mistakes and I've done some things right...but I'm grateful for it all as it has taught me how desperately I need His grace each day.

The loss of another child…

My life took an abrupt change in 2012. In January, my oldest daughter and family moved to Eastern Europe to work with unwanted children. In February, my mother diagnosed with Alzheimer’s came to live with me. God used both of those events as a catalyst for change in my life. Part of that change has been to embrace how I feel and to be perfectly honest, I feel very deeply, so this is hard for me. I have had a lifetime of denying feelings, so it’s always hard to choose to embrace and move through them.

sadness  sadnessquote

Right now I am feeling very sad. Our family is experiencing child loss again. It’s only been 13 months since we lost Eisley. This time it is a failed adoption, because the family that begged so desperately for our help to readopt this child has now changed their mind and refuses to sign the relinquishment papers. It’s a situation ripe for bitterness.

noelan and pops  dress up

Our family has spent countless sacrificial hours and monies on behalf of this sweet little boy, only to be led on and used. Sarah and Tanner, Danny and I all together did emergency respite for eleven days. Marie and Christian hurriedly came to the states to come and start the expensive adoption process. Some would think them trusting and foolish, however this couple asking for their help were their close trusted friends. It’s a situation ripe for bitterness.

Library day  Processed with MOLDIV

We will have a long road to healing. Betrayal begets hatred and cynicism. We will have to go through the pain of watching Addy and Mercy devastated when on Sunday they are told that their little shadow affectionately called “bro bro” will be leaving for good on Monday. When someone hurts your children or your grandchildren it’s hard to think straight, the anger is so intense. It’s a situation ripe for bitterness.

uncle Aaron  tim and tia

Probably what hurts the most though, is what this selfish choice will do to a little boy whom I have come to love and call my grandson. In late January he came to this country from Africa, from a secure foster parent situation, into an unstable home, where after two weeks they demanded for him to be removed from the home.

with Cacey and Tanner welcoming teddy

So we took him and loved him and he has thrived. He loved being the youngest with sisters Mercy and Addy doting on him. Marie and Christian were loving, sacrificial parents to him and he has indeed attached to them. We know this by his desire to be close to them and his interaction with them. Whenever one is gone he is asking- “Where’s mama?” or “Where’s daddy?” I can’t think too much about how it will affect him, my righteous anger quickly morphs into losing it. It’s a situation ripe for bitterness.

uncle andrew  train ride

This morning I wrote in my grateful journal – “I am grateful that God’s power and willingness to answer prayer doesn’t depend on me in my weakness.” This recent journey has been an emotional roller coaster of being led along and lied to and to be perfectly honest I’m exhausted. I believe in miracles, but I also believe that God has given mankind a free will on this earth for a season. So sometimes we see horrific things happen to children because of mentally unstable people consumed by their own selfish desires.

Noelan and Taylor

This doesn’t mean I don’t believe in the sovereignty of God, I do. However, God is not the author of evil as so many try to make Him out to be. He is the one who brings beauty out of ashes…He is also the one who will rightly judge each one. In this I will choose to rest. Each day, as I wade through my sadness and bitterness I will also cling to the words of the Lord Jesus in Luke 6:36 where He tells me, “Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.”

Frozen yogurt   snuggles with Doh

I also will pray that God would have special grace and mercy upon Nolean Truth Klein Burtt, my sweet grandson for three whole months. Please join me in that prayer when you think of him.

Walking WatsonProcessed with MOLDIV




Dear God, I’ve become my mother…

Why is it that women fear we will become like our mothers? I’m not exactly sure why. Perhaps it is the struggle for identity as we are growing up that we try so hard to be different.

We look at things we missed in childhood and desperately try to make sure we give our children these same things we feel we lacked…yet we don’t realize the things we had.

mama wedding

I feel like I’ve taken a lifetime to grow up… Or perhaps it is better to say a lifetime to shed my cocoon. And in shedding it I’ve discovered my mother in me.

At first I was appalled and now I’m delighted. I always thought I looked like my dad. I did get his nose and larger frame but as I’ve aged I look in the mirror and at pictures and I see my mother. I have her eyes, both shape and color. Her best friend saw this photo of me helping Spencer drive our boat and commented, “I see Bethany there.”

mama driving boat

Not only do I also see her, but I hear her too. Words come out of my mouth that I swore I’d never say. Thoughts go through my head that I remember her voicing when she was sixty. Its just plain weird. So on the brink of my sixtieth birthday I’ve decided to embrace it because my mom is a part of me, a very good part of me.

I’m grateful for her instilling in me diligent hard work. I’m grateful for her smile and ability to laugh, even at herself. My silly sense of humor comes from my mom. I’m grateful for her example of devotion to her family and friends when they were sick or hurting. She gave me that and people admire it in me. I learned it from my mom.

mama and me

However, she also gave me her moaning gene. I think it came from her mom. I think one of my daughters got it. Every time I moan, I think, “Oh my goodness! I swore I would never do that like her!” My mother also taught me to be a strong woman, and I in turn raised strong daughters.

One of my favorite adult movies is Spanglish with Tea Leoni, Paz Vega and Cloris Leachman. The main reason I like it so much is the mother/daughter dynamics throughout it. They are so complex and it shows how these dynamics can be so confusing.

The movie ends with an adult daughter writing on her university application essay about a crisis moment with her mother when she was young. Her mother said she had to ask her a very difficult question even though the daughter was such a young age. The question was this – .

“Is what you want for yourself is to become someone very different than me?”

mama spanglish

In hindsight, I realize that for most of my life I did want to be very different than my mother. We had a hard time connecting for a variety of reasons, one being my lack of understanding of who God created me uniquely to be.

At the end of the movie Spanglish, the daughter concludes on her university application essay that she hopes she is accepted but regardless of acceptance or rejection she knows this one thing- “My identity rests firmly and happily on one fact, I am my mother’s daughter.”

I get this now. I still miss my mother, I have days that I ache for her. Next month will be two years since she left this earth. I feel like I understand her better each day. She told me I would understand her when I’m older. She had made the same discovery with her own mother.


I’m thankful for the thought of a future opportunity to really get to know my mother better and to listen to her without any of these earthly struggles. I’m thinking that we will have a chance like never before to connect and understand each other.

All things will be made right, because that’s the promise of heaven.

And because I am my mother’s daughter.

mama quote

Happy Birthday Sweet Eisley

birth announcement

Well here we are Eisley, a whole year has passed since your birth. I still vividly remember your mama’s first birthday. She was dressed in a pretty yellow sailor dress with a little bow glued on her very short silky hair.

You however are dressed in the glory of God, far away over the rainbow, and we are left missing you and imagining what you’d be like.

It’s been a year of milestones. Instead of celebrating your achievements each 23rd of the month, we have been thrashing while drowning in a sea of grief. Grief is a song without melody.

The missing you, the sadness seems to overshadow everything. I feel guilty about that.

Sometimes I say silly or stupid things to try to compensate, but it’s like expecting an infected wound to heal with the aid of a colorful band-aid. It just doesn’t work. Walking through the painful journey is the only thing that helps. It is like scrubbing out the wound.

I need to stop comparing myself to other’s journeys and just walk my own. I need to be compassionate with myself and recognize that until I’m with you one day that I will always miss you in some way. That’s just who I am. I am your Grammie.

Grammie and Eisley 2

When your mama was turning one, I looked forward to that day, but Eisley I have to confess I haven’t been looking forward to this March 23rd. I feel the world’s pressure to be whole, to be done grieving, to move on as others seem to be able to do.

Maybe, just maybe, I can begin on this first birthday to shift my focus from my loss into celebrating you, sweet baby girl with strawberry blonde curls. See you running strong with joy with that great cloud of witnesses who have gone on before us and keep cheering Pops and me on.

So that’s what I’m going to try to do. As I release your birthday balloon today, I will try to focus on the gift of knowing you and your Grammie will try to smile. I am thankful for the short time we had together. You have already taught me so much.

Run strong with joy sweet Eisley Hope and happy first birthday.

1 year old with Jesus

Until I hold you again in my arms and we worship Him together,

XOXO Grammie

Merry Christmas Eisley Hope

Dearest Eisley,

Your Grammie has been feeling sad all day. You’d think I would know better, to stop the stuffing of those sad feelings while plunging ahead working, fooling myself that by keeping very busy these scary feelings will go away. I do know better and that’s why I will stop right now and embrace the sadness. Writing to you helps me to work through it. That and chocolate…IMG_7007.jpg wink

It’s Christmas time baby girl. I’m trying to enjoy it. Your mama and daddy went to Romania and they will celebrate with your cousins Mercy & Addy and your Auntie Marie and Uncle Christian.  I am so glad they did. Last Sunday, Pops and I sat for the first time in the bleacher seats at church. You can see everything so well. What I noticed was the sweet baby girls in their Christmas dresses. My first thought was of you Eisley and I was so glad your mama and daddy were in Romania. I would have loved to have bought you your first Christmas dress.

2015-12-20 11.37.09

I am happy for those mama’s in church holding their baby girls, but it also at the same time it makes me feel so sad. Such conflicting feelings I have. It is the same with the move. Pops and I are trying to downsize and move into  Auburn. In the past week your mama’s artistic black and white checkered wall was painted and the growth chart in Grammie’s closet. It’s all so bittersweet, joy and grief mixed together.

Pops and I will celebrate Christmas with your uncles Aaron and Andrew, and your aunties Cacey and Casey, and your cousins Spencer and Emma. And for the first time in 30 years we will not be celebrating at our home and what’s really hard is that last Christmas I had no idea that it was my last time. Would I have done anything different? I don’t know.

2015-12-09 09.52.51  2015-12-13 09.24.49

What I do remember doing last year was I finally took the time to mend and reattach the little teddy bear onto the “Baby’s first Christmas” stocking. My mama bought it for me when my first child was born. I’ve used it for every child and every grandchild. I knew you were coming, so I purposed to mend it before packing all the stockings away. That stocking is empty.

I decided this year to not open up any of the boxes for decorating. I have a few things that were in their own boxes that I put out. I have celebrated advent. I’m relieved that normal decorating is too much while we are trying to get the house ready for selling, I don’t think I could handle seeing that stocking this year, yet I’m embracing Christmas and it’s joy. Bittersweet.

2015-12-11 07.24.39

So please realize you are missed baby girl and not forgotten. I know you are whole and healthy, hanging with the others we love that have gone on before. Worshiping the King of Kings whose birth we will soon celebrate. But knowing these things doesn’t change the emptiness we feel without you here in our arms. I miss you Eisley Hope Klein Hutchinson.

2015-12-09 20.59.47-1 Eisley's footprint 2015-12-12 16.12.23

If I learned anything from your short life, I think it would be to try to live without regrets and assumptions. To give myself a break. To be mindful and stay in the moment, enjoying each day. To forgive quickly as I don’t know if I’ll have a chance tomorrow to do it.

Thanks for being my teacher Eisley. Merry Christmas,

Love, Grammie


The Dance of Grief

Eisley eyes opened

oh the dance of grief

it’s music washes over me like a wave from nowhere

i am compelled to dance or die within

i’m scared i’ll forget you sweet baby

as much as i’m scared of being forgotten.

i dance alone, as those i love hear their music at different times.

it is a solo dance.

i look at your picture, sweet eyes open

and realize i missed this

as I was on waves of another kind…

dancing another type of grief

of missing your first moments,

moments like this, eyes opened peeking

at the unknown world beyond your mama’s womb.

Answering a Random Question…about head coverings

I received the following question via a Facebook message from an acquaintance who has loved and served Jesus for many years.

“I have a question for you …this is pretty random, but you are the only person I know who used to wear a “head covering”. We have a couple young ladies at church who are asking a lot of questions as to why we don’t follow what the Bible says about women and head coverings, they have since started wearing one, and my daughter is the one they are coming to with questions , could you shed some light on why you did wear one and why you stopped.”

It’s an honest question and I’m happy to do my best to answer it. Not only did I wear a head covering for several years, but I also required and instructed two of our daughters to wear head coverings, when they were preteens. The idea comes from the New Testament in 1st Corinthians 11 where Paul instructs women to cover their heads when praying. It is symbolic of a woman’s agreement with Biblical Patriarchy teachings.

Books have been written for and against this subject, so I’ll try to make this as short and concise as possible. Let me start with part of my friend’s question, “could you shed some light on why you did wear one?”

My story starts on a Sunday evening, October 16, 1971 when my life changed radically. By a series of events in my life, I ended up at a church service with a friend. I was finally at the end of myself and along with that the Lord God was passionately pursuing me to turn from sin and self. With His help I did just that. I was a young girl the age of 15, very insecure and not really knowing who I was.

I was living on the wild side and my friend who has invited me to church had more wisdom than most adult Christians…instead of telling me to quit smoking cigarettes or marijuana, she told me “Don’t worry about anything, the Holy Spirit will take care of it all.” And the Holy Spirit, now indwelling me, did just that! He removed old desires and gave me new desires. It was that supernatural experience that Jesus explained to Nicodemus in the 3rd chapter of the book of John.

What do I remember most about that church? Those people loved me exactly as I was, imperfect. It was a beautiful thing to experience. Of course there were problems, this is a broken world we live in, but after all these years that first fellowship was one of the most loving I’ve ever known. I met my sweet husband Danny there and was married there and our first two children were dedicated to Jesus there. Life was good.

A family friend started telling us about the homeschooling movement and we thought about it. Since our oldest still took a two hour nap and had a fall birthday, we decided to wait one more year to enroll him in our local private Christian school. By the time the next school year had rolled around, we were convinced the Lord would have us embark on the amazing and challenging journey of home educating our children. This venture would gap six children and 28 years of teaching.

It was through home schooling conferences and magazines and books and groups that I learned of the patriarch movement. We both were first generation Christians and desperately wanted to follow God and raise a Christian family. We were convinced there were things we needed to do in order to succeed and one was to follow the Bible’s instructions closely.

Let me pause and make something very clear – I love the Holy Bible and I have studied the scriptures for the past 44 years. However, the Bible can be a complicated book to understand, especially when we try to follow it literally. I started covering my head because I was trying to do just that – obey the Bible. Sounds okay, how could there be anything wrong with that?

What was wrong is it caused my eyes to get off of Jesus and onto myself. It caused me to start looking at God’s Holy Word as a book of rules rather than the love letter it is. It caused me to start on the long slippery slope of legalism. (See for more info on what exactly legalism is.) We all tend to go there. The tragic thing about legalism is the bar is never high enough, and we are always left striving.

I thought I was pursuing holiness and that would make God pleased with me. The Bible actually teaches that holiness is the result of pursuing Jesus, not something we should pursue. I did not understand my identity in Christ and years later I would discover that God is pleased with me because I am His creation and not because of anything I had or had not done.

So the bar got higher, I started wearing a head covering at church, and then in my private prayer times. Then I was “challenged” by  someone that said, “Doesn’t the Bible say to be always praying?” The bar was raised again and I started to wear it all the time. I started to read only the translation that was deemed acceptable by these peers.

Our family even changed denominations and started attending a church that was more “like-minded” and agreed with the following: “Tenets of Biblical Patriarchy” published by Vision Forum.

  • God reveals Himself as masculine, not feminine.
  • God ordained distinct gender roles for man and woman as part of the created order.
  • A husband and father is the head of his household, a family leader, provider, and protector.
  • Male leadership in the home carries over into the church: only men are permitted to hold the ruling office in the church. A God-honoring society will likewise prefer male leadership in civil and other spheres.
  • Since the woman was created as a helper to her husband, as the bearer of children, and as a “keeper at home”, the God-ordained and proper sphere of dominion for a wife is the household and that which is connected with the home.
  • God’s command to “be fruitful and multiply” still applies to married couples.
  • Christian parents must provide their children with a thoroughly Christian education, one that teaches the Bible and a biblical view of God and the world.
  • Both sons and daughters are under the command of their fathers as long as they are under his roof or otherwise the recipients of his provision and protection.

I bought this hook, line and sinker.  It was easier for me than most women as I was married to an unselfish man who truly loved Jesus and truly loved me. That brings me to the second part of my friend’s question, “could you shed some light on why you stopped?” I remember that day distinctly, as it was a day that the bondage that had overtaken my Christian walk was shattered. I am so thankful.

I was in my late 30’s and had become seriously and chronically ill. in hindsight I am sure much of my illness was generated from the stress of living a legalistic Christian life and being in a church with others doing the same. I was laying on the couch exhausted and the knot of that bandanna tied at the back of my neck was hurting. I said out loud, “I am so SICK of wearing this thing”. My husband looked at me and gently asked, “Then why do you continue to do it?” I was dumbfounded.

My husband had allowed me the freedom to follow what I thought God was calling me to. For a Godly man, it is a real burden to have to micromanage everyone in the family, including your adult wife. It’s hard enough to work out your own salvation and keep your own heart right before God. As I again studied the scriptures on head coverings, I realized these passages were truly cultural and not applicable to our 21st century lives. The head covering came off for good.

Time has proven that for many men in the Patriarch movement the temptation to be so focused on managing their wife and children has resulted in them neglecting their own life. Plenty of them became selfishly controlling and abusive. We now know many leaders in this movement had hidden lives of sexual sin and their families have suffered the consequences.

Several of my friends who spent years trying to live as if they were women of the first century, I now know have lived quietly under abusive situations. Some feel like they failed somehow. Some have divorced and others continue to live a life behind a facade. And some, like myself, have found the courage to say we think we were wrong.

I now regret how I instructed my daughters and other women to submit to their husbands. I thought I was giving them Biblical instruction. I realize now that much of this Biblical instruction was given to the first century church in a culture where women had the same rights of cattle…basically no rights. Jesus came as a liberator of men and women both. I believe much of Paul’s instruction was for the purpose of keeping civil order in that culture.

We do live in the 21st century and we do have rights in this society as women. I think that choosing to live without accountability in our marriages is simply not wise. Much of the truth in the Holy Bible was truth written for that specific culture, head coverings being one of them. In healthy Christian homes we help each other, submit one to another, and ALL submit to Christ.

In Ephesians 4:1-3 Paul says, “Therefore I, a prisoner for serving the Lord, beg you to lead a life worthy of your calling, for you have been called by God. Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love. Make every effort to keep yourselves united in the Spirit, binding yourselves together with peace.”

So how are those daughters doing? Those girls who were taught to submit and had to endure wearing head coverings? Well, they were also taught to think and use the wonderful mind that God gave them. One challenged me to read the book “Jesus Feminist” by Sarah Bessey. This is one of the most encouraging, humble books I’ve read. It helped rekindle my first love for Jesus years ago.

These daughters have grown up strong and know who they are in Christ. They are amazing wives and mothers. They are proof positive that God establishes His own. They hold their uncovered heads high and I am learning to do the same.


Letters to Eisley #4

Dear Eisley,

I feel like if you were here life would be settled, steadfast. With you gone, I feel shaky all over and unsure of myself. I think I am doing okay and then I hear sadness in the voices of those that love you or watch another gut-wrenching story on the news and I get so overwhelmed. I used to shut down or smother the feelings with food. As I have tried to stop doing that the feelings hurt so much. The smallest thing can be a trigger. Oh Eisley if I could just hold you over my shoulder and hear you let out a burp and say “Good job!” like I have always done with your cousins, I think life would be okay.

Your Grammie just realized I having some form of panic attacks. They are not stress induced…I take it so easy it feels ridiculous. They are feelings induced…these smothered stuffed feelings are coming out of I don’t know where and they choke me, they get bottled up in my chest and it is so physically painful, I think I am having a heart attack, and the pain scares me. The pain makes me miss your great-grandmother, my mama, the one you were given her middle name – Hope. She was so good to me when I was hurting. She took care of me Please tell her thanks for me and that I really do miss her and I’m sorry about Debbie, that there’s nothing I can do. I tried so hard, she knows I tried, she saw that I tried.

I’m scared I realize. I’m scared that our family will never be okay again.  Sometimes I just want to die and go with you. When I was in the ER, I thought about you and if it wasn’t for your pops I would have gladly gone. Maybe this is why I want to now move to Auburn, maybe in reality I just want everything tidy for Pops so I can join you. But I don’t think Jesus will let me yet. There’s been too much pain for this family, your pops, your mama and daddy, your aunties and uncles and your cousins. We all are hurting without you. We feel broken and shaky and unstable. Okay baby girl, Grammie is making a concerted choice not to swear in my letter to you, but let me just tell you it is the pits without you and it’s really scary.

But then there are good days and we smile, like on last Sunday there was a party at the Vaughan’s (Oh you would have LOVED being held by Jeanne) for our 40th anniversary and everything was so nice, and just the right people we needed to not feel overwhelmed…. Aaron and Cacey, Your mama and daddy, Jeanne and Bob, my friend-in-law Jennifer and hubby Jim, my friend-in-law Christine and hubby Johnny, Pastor Greg and Laura, Pastor Lorin and Starla and your Auntie Sheri. That was a run on sentence baby girl, but I don’t care, because this really is written just for you and for me. You don’t judge your Grammie’s grammar. I don’t have to be perfect.

And you know what Eisley? You didn’t have to be perfect either. We would have gladly welcomed you and made you a part of this imperfect family had God allowed you to live longer. And I’m sobbing baby girl because your Grammie is so sad for so many reasons, losing you being just the tip of the iceberg. So much loss in this world baby girl. And God made me sensitive so it hurts really bad to see little refugee Syrian boys like 3 year old Aylan washed up dead from the sea.

For years Pastor Dave told me thick skin, tender heart. It seems everything is tender about me, Eisley Hope. I will no longer compare myself to others and tell myself I should be doing better. I will just be who I am, hurting how I am. I will work on letting these (&%#^*#! feelings out of me (That’s how you swear in the presence of a little one my love). I’ve had a lot of loss these past years and there’s a lot of feelings I have been stuffing that I guess need to come out.

So let me turn my thoughts to you. I’d like to think of your cleft palate healed with the tiniest of tiniest scars so we can remember His healing in your new body. I’d like to think that he has allowed your unique extra fingers and heart shaped big toes to remain because we loved your uniqueness. I’d like to think that you helped welcome Aylan into heaven and you are showing him the ropes. I’d like to think that Ted is playing grandpa with you and telling you stories of your mama when she would visit his family in New York.

I see sunshine and flowers when I think of you. Blue skies and mountains and lots of green….oh the drought here has made most people quit watering and there isn’t much green. I would think there would be water in heaven, maybe a beautiful rippling stream that you can stick your toes in and giggle. Tell Aylan that the water is safe there!

I’m hoping you get to read these. I believe anything is possible with our God. If you do then you will get to know me a little better until I come. Tender everything and missing you, but one day reunited face to face.

Love you my sweet Eisley,




Letters to Eisley #3

Dear Eisley Hope,

Grammie is staying at your mama and daddy’s house for a few days. Pops and I are getting a new roof on the house and it’s very messy and loud. Grammie isn’t real good with messy and loud, especially since you left us. So Watson and I came here to have some peace and quiet.

2015-08-17 12.58.20

I miss you so much. At first it was hard for me to stay here, I didn’t realize it would be….but you are everywhere in this home. We so desperately had hoped you could live here for a little while. After you left us, your Aunt Marie was careful to help pack all your things away before she returned to Romania. But I guess there are certain things your mama chose not to pack away.

2015-08-17 12.58.46

My heart gave a leap when I saw the quilt I had bought you this last Christmas. The cheerful yellow color peeked out at me as it is folded sweetly in the drawers of the dresser in the guest room where I stay. Maybe I will sleep with it tonight. Maybe I will feel closer to you. Maybe I will christen it with my tears. So many dreams we had for you baby girl. So very bittersweet.

The hardest part for me is your mama’s empty arms. The empty rocking chair. Your mama is such a natural mama, you might not realize this Eisley, but not everyone is. There were babies in your NICU with no mama around. However, your mama was created to understand little ones and she was beside you every moment she could be. She often noticed things before your NICU nurses did. I just wish people were more merciful with her.

2015-08-17 13.00.04

Mama’s are meant to fix things. Many things can be fixed with a kiss and a band-aid. I look at your mama and I realize there is no band-aid big enough to fix this pain. It is only something that Jesus can heal. The same was true for you. Your mama and I have walked a similar path. We both have beloved daughters with needs only Jesus can meet.

You are perfect now with no pain. For that I am thankful. The few times we could tell you were uncomfortable were unbearable. Your silent little cry coupled with our helplessness was almost too much to bear. Maybe that’s why Grammie desperately needs peace and quiet more than ever.

Eisley 028

I miss you so much Eisley. There will be more grandchildren…. Teddy is coming soon! But please know that no matter how many grandchildren Pops and I have, you will never be replaced, ever. Not only is your name tattooed on my foot, but my love for you Eisley Hope Klein Hutchinson is tattooed on my heart.

Until that day you run to greet me,

Love, Grammie XOXOXO


Letters to Eisley #2

Dear Eisley,

I miss you. I’m wondering about heaven. Will you always be a tiny one? In my mind I see you running and greeting  me one day, like Mercy would. A couple weeks ago I was in the hospital with chest pains. As I laid on that table I was very peaceful. I thought of those I know who love Jesus and have left this earth and now are with Him.

There are many I long to see,  but no one more than you. I want time with you, time to get to know you with your little unique personality that God gives to each one and gave to you. One day I will have an eternity with you, but not yet. My physical heart is just fine.

2015-06-19 19.40.59


Last time I wrote you I told you several times that Grammie is trying to trust God. I try to search for joy each day. Most of my joy comes from looking at God’s creation.  Pops and I spend a lot of time on the boat we named after you. We go to Lake Rollins and just look at the beauty around us. The majestic ponderosa pines surround us and reflect in the water.  It comforts me to know in all it’s beauty,  it is just a faded glimpse of the beauty you dwell in right now. One day we shall join you.

This Saturday will be one year since your Grammie and Pops got in a horrible car accident. It has been a source of much confusion to me. When it happened our car was spinning in circles and I found myself crying out the powerful name of Jesus over and over. When it all stopped this thought went through my mind – we shouldn’t be alive, but we are!


So this Saturday on August 8, 2015 we are having a Thanksgiving dinner to thank God for sparing our lives in that car accident. I realized something this last few weeks and it is this –  the enemy of our souls was trying to destroy us and God intervened.

I always thought of the car accident as a physical thing…..a person not paying attention and rear ending us and causing us to jackknife and roll. You are probably so much wiser than your Grammie in this area as you know about the spiritual kingdom, but I now know that it was a spiritual thing and God intervened.

“The God-begotten are also the God-protected.

The Evil One can’t lay a hand on them.

We know that we are held firm by God…”

1 John 5:18

But when it came to you Eisley Hope, I have thought, well God could have intervened and He chose not to. He took Eisley home with Him. As I have struggled to trust God in this situation, I have realized that I was wrong about Him and that He did intervene on your behalf several times. So this Saturday we will also be thanking God for your life.

2015-05-07 23.56.12

God gave you life, and in the brokenness of this world as a result of the fall, you got an extra chromosome. You should have been miscarried, but God intervened. You should have been stillborn, but again God intervened. Your fragile body would have died in labor, but God intervened. His Holy Spirit inside of your mama prompted her to go to the hospital nine weeks early. How thankful I am for that and how thankful I am that she listened.

“Since ancient times no one has heard or perceived,

no eye has seen any God besides you,

who intervenes for those who wait for him.”

Isaiah 64:4

God intervened by giving your mama a wise doctor who knew you needed to come out early and you did! Our world was turned upside down, and to be honest sweet baby girl, it’s not upright yet…but you lived and we loved you for twelve precious days. I am so thankful to have met you Eisley Hope. Your short life has made me a better person.

My friend Denise made ornaments for your mama and daddy and both sets of grandparents as a keepsake of you. Your name is on one side and an incredible truth on the other –


The Bible tells us in Psalms that our days were appointed before we left our mother’s womb. Your 12 days + Eternity equals a whole and perfect Life. It’s been a blink of the eye since Pops and I raised your mama and our family – and it will be the blink of an eye until I see you again sweet baby girl.

Run to meet your Grammie on that day and we will have an eternity to get to know one another. Until then I will write you letters as I purpose to trust our Creator and Savior.



Letters to Eisley #1

Grammie wept for you today baby girl. I was cleaning out my email inbox and I started at the bottom and there was a shared folder that your mama had sent me. Grammie of course would rather look at pictures of you than work, so I clicked on the link and there you were.

My heart lurched as I saw your mama in her hospital gown without me there. I was stuck in the middle of the Pacific Ocean on a cruise ship. Grammie is trying to trust God. Your daddy was at her side doing a great job. Your Uncle Andrew was making faces at the camera. God provided so many people to surround your mama and daddy and support all of you.

My tears didn’t flow until I saw this picture of your foot in the incubator. I remembered your mama telling me on the phone all about you, she was so excited. I still can’t believe I missed your birth Eisley. I’m sorry for that. I wish I had been there. Grammie is trying to trust God.

Your mama told me that your big toe was shaped like a heart. She was thrilled with you – love at first sight. Actually, that’s not true because your mama loved before she ever saw you – she loved you while you were in the womb. Your little feet would stretch out and give your mama a kick. We had no idea about your precious toes. We had no idea about any of your struggles. That’s so wrong we weren’t better prepared for you baby girl. Grammie is trying to trust God.

Eisley's piggies

So today Eisley Hope, when your Grammie was supposed to be working, I took a break to grieve. I just sat at the computer looking at your precious heart shaped toe and let my tears fall. How I miss you sweet baby girl. Today you would be approaching four months of age. I imagine if you were here that your Aunt Sheri and I would be arm-wrestling for who got to watch you when your mama was at work. But I bet Mama wouldn’t have gone back to work…she just wanted to take care of you.

Did you know I had a pack ‘n play all set up for you with little toys across the top? I had gotten out a yellow baby blanket that was mine. I’d never even used it on any of your aunties or uncles or your mama. I don’t know why. I guess I was saving it for something special. I had it in the little bed waiting for you to arrive. We ended up using it to line your resting box. I had no idea it would be used for something that special.

Precious little one how I wish I could play “This little Piggy” with you. When you were in the hospital I keep trying to figure out another line, since you had an extra piggy. Grammie played it with all the babies- your cousins Spencer, Addy, Emma and Mercy. You would be the perfect age right now to squeal with laughter.

It’s really hard without you Eisley. There are lots of babies all around right now so I am constantly reminded of the loss. My arms ache to hold you, to snuggle my face into your neck and to smell your baby sweetness. Nothing fills the void. Nothing. You are missed Eisley Hope Klein Hutchinson, more than you could ever imagine and Grammie is trying to trust God.