Letters to Eisley #1

Grammie wept for you today baby girl. I was cleaning out my email inbox and I started at the bottom and there was a shared folder that your mama had sent me. Grammie of course would rather look at pictures of you than work, so I clicked on the link and there you were.

My heart lurched as I saw your mama in her hospital gown without me there. I was stuck in the middle of the Pacific Ocean on a cruise ship. Grammie is trying to trust God. Your daddy was at her side doing a great job. Your Uncle Andrew was making faces at the camera. God provided so many people to surround your mama and daddy and support all of you.

My tears didn’t flow until I saw this picture of your foot in the incubator. I remembered your mama telling me on the phone all about you, she was so excited. I still can’t believe I missed your birth Eisley. I’m sorry for that. I wish I had been there. Grammie is trying to trust God.

Your mama told me that your big toe was shaped like a heart. She was thrilled with you – love at first sight. Actually, that’s not true because your mama loved before she ever saw you – she loved you while you were in the womb. Your little feet would stretch out and give your mama a kick. We had no idea about your precious toes. We had no idea about any of your struggles. That’s so wrong we weren’t better prepared for you baby girl. Grammie is trying to trust God.

Eisley's piggies

So today Eisley Hope, when your Grammie was supposed to be working, I took a break to grieve. I just sat at the computer looking at your precious heart shaped toe and let my tears fall. How I miss you sweet baby girl. Today you would be approaching four months of age. I imagine if you were here that your Aunt Sheri and I would be arm-wrestling for who got to watch you when your mama was at work. But I bet Mama wouldn’t have gone back to work…she just wanted to take care of you.

Did you know I had a pack ‘n play all set up for you with little toys across the top? I had gotten out a yellow baby blanket that was mine. I’d never even used it on any of your aunties or uncles or your mama. I don’t know why. I guess I was saving it for something special. I had it in the little bed waiting for you to arrive. We ended up using it to line your resting box. I had no idea it would be used for something that special.

Precious little one how I wish I could play “This little Piggy” with you. When you were in the hospital I keep trying to figure out another line, since you had an extra piggy. Grammie played it with all the babies- your cousins Spencer, Addy, Emma and Mercy. You would be the perfect age right now to squeal with laughter.

It’s really hard without you Eisley. There are lots of babies all around right now so I am constantly reminded of the loss. My arms ache to hold you, to snuggle my face into your neck and to smell your baby sweetness. Nothing fills the void. Nothing. You are missed Eisley Hope Klein Hutchinson, more than you could ever imagine and Grammie is trying to trust God.