Merry Christmas Eisley Hope

Dearest Eisley,

Your Grammie has been feeling sad all day. You’d think I would know better, to stop the stuffing of those sad feelings while plunging ahead working, fooling myself that by keeping very busy these scary feelings will go away. I do know better and that’s why I will stop right now and embrace the sadness. Writing to you helps me to work through it. That and chocolate…IMG_7007.jpg wink

It’s Christmas time baby girl. I’m trying to enjoy it. Your mama and daddy went to Romania and they will celebrate with your cousins Mercy & Addy and your Auntie Marie and Uncle Christian.  I am so glad they did. Last Sunday, Pops and I sat for the first time in the bleacher seats at church. You can see everything so well. What I noticed was the sweet baby girls in their Christmas dresses. My first thought was of you Eisley and I was so glad your mama and daddy were in Romania. I would have loved to have bought you your first Christmas dress.

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I am happy for those mama’s in church holding their baby girls, but it also at the same time it makes me feel so sad. Such conflicting feelings I have. It is the same with the move. Pops and I are trying to downsize and move into  Auburn. In the past week your mama’s artistic black and white checkered wall was painted and the growth chart in Grammie’s closet. It’s all so bittersweet, joy and grief mixed together.

Pops and I will celebrate Christmas with your uncles Aaron and Andrew, and your aunties Cacey and Casey, and your cousins Spencer and Emma. And for the first time in 30 years we will not be celebrating at our home and what’s really hard is that last Christmas I had no idea that it was my last time. Would I have done anything different? I don’t know.

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What I do remember doing last year was I finally took the time to mend and reattach the little teddy bear onto the “Baby’s first Christmas” stocking. My mama bought it for me when my first child was born. I’ve used it for every child and every grandchild. I knew you were coming, so I purposed to mend it before packing all the stockings away. That stocking is empty.

I decided this year to not open up any of the boxes for decorating. I have a few things that were in their own boxes that I put out. I have celebrated advent. I’m relieved that normal decorating is too much while we are trying to get the house ready for selling, I don’t think I could handle seeing that stocking this year, yet I’m embracing Christmas and it’s joy. Bittersweet.

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So please realize you are missed baby girl and not forgotten. I know you are whole and healthy, hanging with the others we love that have gone on before. Worshiping the King of Kings whose birth we will soon celebrate. But knowing these things doesn’t change the emptiness we feel without you here in our arms. I miss you Eisley Hope Klein Hutchinson.

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If I learned anything from your short life, I think it would be to try to live without regrets and assumptions. To give myself a break. To be mindful and stay in the moment, enjoying each day. To forgive quickly as I don’t know if I’ll have a chance tomorrow to do it.

Thanks for being my teacher Eisley. Merry Christmas,

Love, Grammie

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